Straight Up by James Lear

Author:James Lear [Lear, James]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Cleis Press Start
Published: 2015-08-31T14:00:00+00:00

10

I woke at nine, after maybe four hours’ sleep. Benson was already sitting up in bed, arms folded. I said, “Good morning,” but he didn’t respond.

Here goes, I thought. End of round two. At least he stayed all night this time. Now for the sheepish excuses, the sullen departure. Then silence for weeks, months.

I stopped, rolled back onto my pillow and put an arm across my eyes. I couldn’t face it again—the desertion, the guilt on his face, and then the clawing hunger inside as I tried to forget him.

“Go, if you’re going.”

He said nothing.

“They’ll be wondering where you are.” I stopped short of saying the names—Brenda, Al Junior, Jeleen. I didn’t want to be bitchy, even if I felt it.

More silence. Well, two can play at that game. I went to the kitchen and started the coffee.

“Dan.”

I didn’t respond.

“Dan!” Nearer this time. He was standing in the doorway, naked. My heart soared, then plunged. I wanted him so badly, and I could never have him. Not without hurting everyone I cared about—including myself. Not without tearing his marriage to pieces. A wife. Two kids. The whole fucking social fabric, and for what?

“Jesus, Dan, talk to me.”

I faced him, as naked as he was.

“Okay, I’m talking. What do you want me to say?”

“Come back to bed.” He stepped toward me, put a hand on my arm. “Please. We need to work this out.”

Work what out? “All right. But not without coffee.”

He kissed me. “Well, hurry up.”

I fixed coffee as fast as I could and jumped back into bed. “Go on.”

“After the last time—I mean the first time—I went away.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Took the family on vacation. A surprise. We flew down to Miami. It cost me a fortune but—you know. It was worth it.”

Nothing about strangers accosting his wife at the school gates now. No sinister men in parked cars.

“How was the weather?”

Benson was absent-mindedly stroking my chest. “It was good,” he said. “We had a nice time.”

“Great. Happy families.”

“That was the idea.” He seemed lost in thought.

“What happened?”

“Oh, nothing. That was the trouble. Nothing.” His hand was moving down to my stomach, fingers weaving in the fur. “I thought that if we… That we could…”

“What?”

“Be normal again. I could put it all behind me.”

I had a flashback to his assault from the rear last night, and laughed. “You certainly did that.”

Benson wasn’t in the mood for jokes. He withdrew his hand.

“I’m sorry. Go on.”

“It’s gone, Dan. It’s over.”

God forgive me, I felt a surge of triumph. “What is?”

“My marriage. My family. Everything.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“Me?”

“You. Me. The way I am. The things I want.”

“You’re gay.”

He sniffed, and looked away, out the window. There was nothing to see. He was crying.

“Jesus, Al, what’s the matter?” Stupid fucking question. I put my arms around him, held him while his body shook. After a couple of minutes he calmed down. I handed him a tissue.

Benson sat up and took a deep breath. His eyes were red, his hair messy. He looked older.

“I’m going to tell you the truth.

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